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What are tantrums?
Oof. Tantrums are arguably one of the most stressful moments of the early years – for both child and parent! Crying, shouting, stamping and screaming is nobody’s idea of fun. That said, these outbursts are a totally normal part of a child’s development, usually beginning around 18 months. They involve a build up of intense emotion which a child cannot regulate or cope with. So how do they let these unpleasant feelings out? Via a tantrum.
Why do they happen?
It seems to come from nowhere. Something as small as having mis-matched socks, or the ‘wrong’ colour cup, can cause a HUGE meltdown! But actually, these moments are your child’s way of communicating something which, to them, is super important.
As adults, our brains have developed to the stage where we can process our experiences and regulate our emotions. We also have a lot more control over our actions and surroundings. Children’s brains, on the other hand, are still growing and developing, which means intense feelings can be really, really challenging.
So, how can we help?
During the tantrum
- Be the calm in the storm. In these moments, it’s easy to lose your head. So take a deep breath, and remember that your child needs you. Something from my teacher training that stuck with me was the phrase ‘you control the weather’ – as caregivers, we’re the ones that establish the safe, calm environment for our children. Provide the comfort they need.
- Decide what the tantrum is communicating.Tantrums are not simply ‘bad behaviour’; they express a need or feeling. The reason behind a tantrum might seem trivial to us, but to the little one experiencing it, it can be overwhelming. Ask yourself: is my child hungry or thirsty? Sleepy? Frustrated? Scared? Perhaps getting the blue cup instead of the red one seems a silly thing to cry about, but to the child, the lack of choice and control might just tip them over the edge. If you know what’s wrong, you can acknowledge and resolve it.
- Practise emotion coaching. It’s okay for your child to feel upset! Instead of downplaying their emotions with platitudes like “don’t cry!” and “you’re okay”, try to acknowledge and validate how they’re feeling. For instance, you could say something like “I know it’s really frustrating that we have to leave the park. It’s okay to feel angry and sad.”
- Distract, don’t dismiss. It can be useful to divert your child’s attention in the midst of a meltdown (mid-tantrum is not the time to discuss the reasoning behind your child’s outburst with them!) – think, “oh, look at that pretty bird” or “you’ve set up your train track so neatly”. But, as we’ve said, it’s important not to ignore or trivialise your child’s feelings; remember to revisit this when they’re feeling calmer.
After the tantrum
You made it! The tears have dried up, and the outburst is over. So what now?
- Offer choices. We’ve explored how tantrums might be a reaction to feeling powerless. Give your child a sense of control by using structured choices wherever possible. You could ask them“would you like to tidy up now and then read a story, or should we read a book first and then we’ll tidy the toys?”
- Use grounding techniques. At MEplace, we love the ‘bear hug’ strategy! Children wrap themselves in a big ‘bear hug’, holding their sides and pressing tightly while they count to ten. Deep breathing, energetic movements such as star jumps, and pressing against a wall can all help to provide regulation too, helping your little one to feel grounded and calm.
- Create a ‘calm down box’. This provides a calming routine for your child at a time when they’re emotionally exhausted.You could include sensory toys and activities, like glitter globes, colouring books, cuddly toys, bubbles and scented playdough (or that good old favourite, slime!).Get your child to help you add to the box, increasing their sense of choice and control. Remember, the calm down box is for after the tantrum, so don’t be tempted to offer it the moment a meltdown starts.
So there we have it: our top tips, backed by research from the experts. These strategies will help your little one feel calmer, supported and heard, while taking the stress out of overwhelming moments. Start introducing these ideas, and soon you’ll be handling tantrums like a pro!
You’ve got this.
